Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
