Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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