I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
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Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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