I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
