Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
