He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Randomize
