If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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