apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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