does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
