At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
