Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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