If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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