Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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