i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
