Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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