There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
