how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
