RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
