how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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