Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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