Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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