just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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