you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
