you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
