I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
