i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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