Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
