If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
