did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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