Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
