If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
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Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
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