The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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