Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
