apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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