I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just high enough for therapy.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
