Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
