Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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