hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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