good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
