im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
