You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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