I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
