i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
