so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
