So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
