you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
