i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
