I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
