I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
