i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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