John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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