There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
