Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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