Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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