the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
