the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
