if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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