sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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