I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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