Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Randomize
