I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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