come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Life without a bra equals bliss.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
