I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
