Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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